Why We Feel Like We’re “Broken” in the Realms of Sex

You're not broken for not fitting the mould; you're simply finding your own way.

In collaboration with Sensuali

“I feel broken.”

If I had a pound for every time a client said this to me, I’d be rich enough to live out my dreams on the Italian coast with an Aperol Spritz in hand by now.

The word broken is such a punch in the gut. It feels permanent, heavy with shame, hopelessness, and the belief that something deep within us is beyond repair. But the truth is, you’re not broken. You never were, and you never will be.

The idea that you’re supposed to respond, perform, or feel desire in a certain way is just that — an idea. A story you’ve been told about what sex “should” look like. When we stop trying to fit into that story, we finally make space to rediscover what our version of pleasure and connection truly feels like, on our terms.

Our bodies and desires adapt and change constantly, yet no one teaches us why, how to recognise the signs, or, most importantly, how to work with them instead of seeing ourselves as broken.

So whether it’s struggling to orgasm, losing interest in sex, feeling pain, or simply not fitting into the “norm” we’ve been shown, the word broken can start to feel like a label that sticks. But understanding why we begin to feel this way is the first step to rewriting the story entirely.

We live in a world that constantly tells us how sex should look, feel, and even sound. From films and porn to well-meaning friends swapping stories that seem miles away from our own experiences, it’s no surprise so many of us quietly carry the thought: “Something must be wrong with me.”

Here’s why you’re not broken, and what we should have been taught in school…

1. We’ve Been Taught a One-Size-Fits-All Version of Sex

Most of us grew up with a narrow script for what sex “should“ be, from penetration being the goal, orgasms having to be present, and that sex needs to be effortless. There’s little room in that narrative for the reality that faces us all. Sex is filled with dips, differences and even some disappointments. But what matters most is having sex that feels good for you.

When our bodies or desires don’t match the script we have been fed, it’s easy to assume we’ve failed at it. But here’s the thing about scripts: we have to write our own. Sex isn’t meant to be a performance; it’s an experience. And it’s meant to evolve, shift, and take on a different form for everyone. Find your form, your script and what feels good for you.

2. We Disconnect From Our Bodies

For many of us, feeling “broken“ stems from a disconnection between body and mind. The main issue is that we’re often taught to think about how we look, what our partner wants, or whether we’re “doing it right”. Newsflash, there is no right or wrong!

When our attention lives in our heads, our bodies struggle to respond, and with that, it becomes harder to experience pleasure. But before you label yourself as “broken,“ remember: reconnection takes time and attention that many of us have lost or never had the opportunity to explore.

Most of us move through life in survival mode, staring at screens instead of sunlight, eating lunch in a rush, speeding through the evening routine just to squeeze in a bit more rest. It’s no wonder our bodies find it hard to catch up or experience pleasure, even in the little things. We spend so much time ‘doing‘ that we forget how to feel.

A gentle place to begin is by slowing down and listening inward. It might feel selfish at first, but it’s not. Try asking yourself, and perhaps even your body, what it needs and what you want.

3. Shame and Comparison Take Over

Sexual shame is powerful, and at the same time, it’s a protective response. But the thing about shame is that it rarely belongs to us. It is often inherited from culture, religion, family, or the messages we absorbed during our upbringing. It tells us what’s “too much“ or “not enough,” what’s “dirty,“ or what’s “wrong.”

This is where we start measuring our worth through performance, not pleasure. The truth is, pleasure can’t thrive in pressure or shame, so when we begin to see shame for what it is — learned, not inherent — we create space to rewrite it.

You Are Not Broken

What if instead of asking, “What’s wrong with me?“ we asked, “What might my body be trying to tell me?” It’s about asking questions rather than falling into the trap of settling and avoiding.

Every part of your sexual story, from pleasure, your relationship, your bodily responses and even the confusion and the pauses, has meaning. You’re not broken for not fitting the mould; you’re simply finding your own way. There is no right or wrong, now explore!